Validation: How Much Do We Need?

Validation is something we feel we need. It gives us feedback on our actions and a sense of belongingness. As little kids, it is something we are always looking for from elders, or role models. However, 10 years down the line, when we become old teenagers and young adults, do we really need validation?

Seeking validation from friends after telling a joke is something we naturally do; we wait and see for their responses. Although by always looking and needing that affirmation that its funny, we show insecurity. By getting into this habit of waiting for a response, we train ourselves to be relient upon other's approval. Also, by asking for feedback excessively we begin to stop critically thinking for ourselves: is this an appropriate thing to wear today? Should I invite him to the party? Now asking for feedback or advice is okay, but we must still hold our beliefs.

So seeking validation is bad? Well everyone does it: most of us are validation seekers. But its not in the wrong, and a lot of the time you cant control it. However, I think its important to train ourselves to not care. This ties back into the great cliche to be who you are, and not care what others think. In this context, it is ego gratification to seek validation. We want to re-assure ourself that what we have said or done is okay.

On this token, lets examine a case in point to see if it is ego gratification:
a beautiful women is standing at the bar of a busy club on a Friday night. Hmmm, she'll be hit on... constantly. She may choose to invest more time talking to one guy who approaches her, although shes going to shoot most down. After all, she cant have 1000 boyfriends. Now despite the fact she rejected these 1000 guys, it does not mean its a bad night for her. Everytime a guy came over and at least tried to hit on her, she got validated for her great looks. She goes home self-confident.

However, at what point does this self-confidence boost turn into a temporary ego-boost? Is the beautiful girl beginning to rely upon validation to be confident, or is she truly intrinsically self-confident? These are the vital questions we must ask ourselves.

I have found that I derive too much confidence from the good responses I will evoke from girls when flirting for example. This habit needs to be changed. It is time we start worrying about ourselves based on our own perspective, and not what other think or how others respond. Its time to give ourselves validation, in stead of seeking it from others. We will only become more confident and secure people by doing this.