Ever since I was 13, or the beginning of my teen-age, I have encountered a cycle of emotions similar to anxiety, fear, and anger. Perhaps this is just one the 100000 emotional circuits wired into my brain that I will experience throughout my life. However, I think that we experience these emotions the most during the teen age.
Whether it is the hormones raging, the social pressure bearing down, or the expectations rising, my teenage years have always brought out angst in me. I have experienced emotional down times because of girl situations, friendships, sports teams, school work, and family relationships.
Looking back at this list, I would think these are the better things in life. Although all they have done is leave me with even more stress. Now perhaps by living like an adult and dealing with mature problems render growing pains... I had to learn how to be emotionally intelligent, manage my time, and not to give in to peer pressure. However, I think that there is something more to this.
Our society does not provide an appropriate structure for teenagers to live in. After leaving middle school, wired with hormones and drives, we have to enter a four year period filled with tremendous expectations of getting into college and constantly fighting social pressure. Now there is nothing wrong with living with your parents and going through high school; these are institutions established for the sole purpose of educating us about the real world and life. On the same token, it becomes bothersome to go through these motions in the eyes of the teenager. I think that as young and passionate growing individuals, us teenagers should have true freedom to get out and do what we want.
Thats right, college days come too late. College comes at a time when we are ready to start truly maturing and stabilizing ourselves. In stead, the late coming of college serves as a digression from true maturation. We may be civil and intellectual in the day, but at night we come back from the bars wasted. We eat scrupulously unhealthy food. We burn money on totally unneccesary objects or excursions.
Yeah, these things are good outlets to blow off steam and be a free spirit, but weekend to weekend we begin beating a dead horse. How many times does it take to get black out drunk and throw up before we drink in moderation? How often can we be wild adults and get away with it? I feel like the free college life conditions us to be irresponsible while we are supposed to learn the ways of the world. Counter-productive.
But I digressed. Perhaps my true angst is derived from my understanding of the imperfect social structure for the young person. Yeah. The conclusion: suck it up. Getting drunk, chasing hot girls, spending freely, and waking up at 11 cant be so bad after all. Like any other emotion, my angst will come and go, but I guess in the end its just a part of growing up... yeah, even at 19.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Validation: How Much Do We Need?
Validation is something we feel we need. It gives us feedback on our actions and a sense of belongingness. As little kids, it is something we are always looking for from elders, or role models. However, 10 years down the line, when we become old teenagers and young adults, do we really need validation?
Seeking validation from friends after telling a joke is something we naturally do; we wait and see for their responses. Although by always looking and needing that affirmation that its funny, we show insecurity. By getting into this habit of waiting for a response, we train ourselves to be relient upon other's approval. Also, by asking for feedback excessively we begin to stop critically thinking for ourselves: is this an appropriate thing to wear today? Should I invite him to the party? Now asking for feedback or advice is okay, but we must still hold our beliefs.
So seeking validation is bad? Well everyone does it: most of us are validation seekers. But its not in the wrong, and a lot of the time you cant control it. However, I think its important to train ourselves to not care. This ties back into the great cliche to be who you are, and not care what others think. In this context, it is ego gratification to seek validation. We want to re-assure ourself that what we have said or done is okay.
On this token, lets examine a case in point to see if it is ego gratification:
a beautiful women is standing at the bar of a busy club on a Friday night. Hmmm, she'll be hit on... constantly. She may choose to invest more time talking to one guy who approaches her, although shes going to shoot most down. After all, she cant have 1000 boyfriends. Now despite the fact she rejected these 1000 guys, it does not mean its a bad night for her. Everytime a guy came over and at least tried to hit on her, she got validated for her great looks. She goes home self-confident.
However, at what point does this self-confidence boost turn into a temporary ego-boost? Is the beautiful girl beginning to rely upon validation to be confident, or is she truly intrinsically self-confident? These are the vital questions we must ask ourselves.
I have found that I derive too much confidence from the good responses I will evoke from girls when flirting for example. This habit needs to be changed. It is time we start worrying about ourselves based on our own perspective, and not what other think or how others respond. Its time to give ourselves validation, in stead of seeking it from others. We will only become more confident and secure people by doing this.
Seeking validation from friends after telling a joke is something we naturally do; we wait and see for their responses. Although by always looking and needing that affirmation that its funny, we show insecurity. By getting into this habit of waiting for a response, we train ourselves to be relient upon other's approval. Also, by asking for feedback excessively we begin to stop critically thinking for ourselves: is this an appropriate thing to wear today? Should I invite him to the party? Now asking for feedback or advice is okay, but we must still hold our beliefs.
So seeking validation is bad? Well everyone does it: most of us are validation seekers. But its not in the wrong, and a lot of the time you cant control it. However, I think its important to train ourselves to not care. This ties back into the great cliche to be who you are, and not care what others think. In this context, it is ego gratification to seek validation. We want to re-assure ourself that what we have said or done is okay.
On this token, lets examine a case in point to see if it is ego gratification:
a beautiful women is standing at the bar of a busy club on a Friday night. Hmmm, she'll be hit on... constantly. She may choose to invest more time talking to one guy who approaches her, although shes going to shoot most down. After all, she cant have 1000 boyfriends. Now despite the fact she rejected these 1000 guys, it does not mean its a bad night for her. Everytime a guy came over and at least tried to hit on her, she got validated for her great looks. She goes home self-confident.
However, at what point does this self-confidence boost turn into a temporary ego-boost? Is the beautiful girl beginning to rely upon validation to be confident, or is she truly intrinsically self-confident? These are the vital questions we must ask ourselves.
I have found that I derive too much confidence from the good responses I will evoke from girls when flirting for example. This habit needs to be changed. It is time we start worrying about ourselves based on our own perspective, and not what other think or how others respond. Its time to give ourselves validation, in stead of seeking it from others. We will only become more confident and secure people by doing this.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
A Waning Learning Experience
I entered college with the optimism to broaden my horizons in and out of the classroom. Although now, by my fourth semester at the University of Maryland, I feel that my academic and personal experience has begun to stagnate, and even become futile.
Granted I am in an bad mood, academia just is not as inspiring and interesting as it seemed in that first Geology lecture freshman year.
Part of this waning in my spirit to learn has come from my years and years of schooling. At some point, we just flat out get bored: except for those who we eventually call professors. Going through the same system of classes, homework, tests, in more or less the same format becomes awfully mundane and unstimulating.
In addition, the subject materials have seemed to be exhausted from getting the same lectures over the years. On the same token, how are we supposed to major, or take years of related classes without eventually getting bored?
Do not get me wrong, I have been the so-called "over-acheiver" most of my life. Although at some point, doing the same thing over and over again seems to make all the effort futile.
Futile? Yeah. Education these days can be stimulating in a discussion, in a group project, or even in writing an essay. However, so much of our country's academic system makes you memorize or recite information that is spoon-fed to you verbatim. We barely have time to critically think or read and actually advance our intelligence, because we are too busy plowing through all this bullshit.
That is why out of the classroom learning experiences are great. They take you out of the classroom bubble and give you all the stimulation and information to come to conclusions on your own, in stead of having some well-read 60 year old spit information from a textbook your way. Field trips, plays, forums, outside lectures, and youth group meetings/activism are the real ways to learn as far as I am concerned. Besides, these are the types of activities that you engage in in a work environment anyways.
So re-assess your education, and what it means. For me, I am academically lost in trying to choose a major, even though I have comprehensively identified my interests and switched my major twice already. Also, my over-acheiving attribute is waning since I now have the intellect to realize I could be getting more from reading a book or writing an assigned essay. Work is work, but perhaps our educational system should push us to do more creative writing, read books we're actually interested in, and maybe even make our own tests.
At this point in time, I have 4.5 semesters left to go before I enter the proverbial "real world", and I sure as hell am not wasting the time going through the same mundane and unstimulating motions time and time again. Some way, I need to revamp my learning spirit and focus on what will really teach me about life and myself, as opposed to Pearson Education or some burnt out professor.
Granted I am in an bad mood, academia just is not as inspiring and interesting as it seemed in that first Geology lecture freshman year.
Part of this waning in my spirit to learn has come from my years and years of schooling. At some point, we just flat out get bored: except for those who we eventually call professors. Going through the same system of classes, homework, tests, in more or less the same format becomes awfully mundane and unstimulating.
In addition, the subject materials have seemed to be exhausted from getting the same lectures over the years. On the same token, how are we supposed to major, or take years of related classes without eventually getting bored?
Do not get me wrong, I have been the so-called "over-acheiver" most of my life. Although at some point, doing the same thing over and over again seems to make all the effort futile.
Futile? Yeah. Education these days can be stimulating in a discussion, in a group project, or even in writing an essay. However, so much of our country's academic system makes you memorize or recite information that is spoon-fed to you verbatim. We barely have time to critically think or read and actually advance our intelligence, because we are too busy plowing through all this bullshit.
That is why out of the classroom learning experiences are great. They take you out of the classroom bubble and give you all the stimulation and information to come to conclusions on your own, in stead of having some well-read 60 year old spit information from a textbook your way. Field trips, plays, forums, outside lectures, and youth group meetings/activism are the real ways to learn as far as I am concerned. Besides, these are the types of activities that you engage in in a work environment anyways.
So re-assess your education, and what it means. For me, I am academically lost in trying to choose a major, even though I have comprehensively identified my interests and switched my major twice already. Also, my over-acheiving attribute is waning since I now have the intellect to realize I could be getting more from reading a book or writing an assigned essay. Work is work, but perhaps our educational system should push us to do more creative writing, read books we're actually interested in, and maybe even make our own tests.
At this point in time, I have 4.5 semesters left to go before I enter the proverbial "real world", and I sure as hell am not wasting the time going through the same mundane and unstimulating motions time and time again. Some way, I need to revamp my learning spirit and focus on what will really teach me about life and myself, as opposed to Pearson Education or some burnt out professor.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Alpha vs. Beta: Are we one, the other, or both?
To shortchange the classification of any male, you could place him into the category of either alpha or beta.
Now labels are not the best way to go. We all have seen the tremendous social pressure and antagonism exerted in high school through the labeling of other people. Our society has seen racism and discrimination from the labeling of other people. When we do not bother to consider the indiosyncracies of those within a cohort, we develop stereotypes - the wrong thing to do. But for the purpose of this entry, all males are either alpha or beta...
...or are they?
An alpha male smiles, is confident, well-groomed, connects with people, has a good sense of humor, and is seen as the social center of a room. Now after reading this list, anyone would think these traits are something to aspire to. However, the intangible aspect of the alpha male is that he is purely dominant. He has a strong frame, he doesnt give a fuck, and he is unreactive.
This is where my view towards the alpha male becomes sticky. I mean, yeah, being dominant implies having high self-esteem and being a leader. However with any good thing comes fallbacks. He is inconsiderate, loud, and sometimes aggressive. He must be on top. He must not show weakness often.
Having these traits means violating rules of social conduct. It could translate into being seen as obnoxious. It could translate into being insecure because you must be the center of attention. It could be seen as a lack of social intelligence period. This is where having beta traits like being agreeable, cooperative, and sensitive do not seem so bad. Now when we reach beta traits like being submissive and supplicative then it is flat out weak. But perhaps being beta, in moderation, is healthy. On the same token, perhaps being alpha, in moderation, is also healthy.
However, this defies the aforementioned law that you are either alpha or beta. This law is up to different interpretations, although in a social gathering for example one could say the real men stand out from the rest.
The italicized portion leads me to more deliberation. Are these alpha behaviors just evolutionary circuitry which enable us to attract women? Because it is known that women are to alpha males. Or are they just attracted to the status of the male? or the value? Regardless, perhaps these alpha behaviors are just wired in us men as a positive evolutionary trait. However, while living in a today's world, driven by bundles of underlying social norms and expectations, can we really expect to maintain our inner-alpha-ness, all the time?
Perhaps it is ok to be both alpha or beta for the sake of calibrating certain behaviors to certain situations. Isnt a real man someone who knows how to handle himself in all types of situations, where he can be both alpha or beta?
But I thought you are either one, or the other?
Now labels are not the best way to go. We all have seen the tremendous social pressure and antagonism exerted in high school through the labeling of other people. Our society has seen racism and discrimination from the labeling of other people. When we do not bother to consider the indiosyncracies of those within a cohort, we develop stereotypes - the wrong thing to do. But for the purpose of this entry, all males are either alpha or beta...
...or are they?
An alpha male smiles, is confident, well-groomed, connects with people, has a good sense of humor, and is seen as the social center of a room. Now after reading this list, anyone would think these traits are something to aspire to. However, the intangible aspect of the alpha male is that he is purely dominant. He has a strong frame, he doesnt give a fuck, and he is unreactive.
This is where my view towards the alpha male becomes sticky. I mean, yeah, being dominant implies having high self-esteem and being a leader. However with any good thing comes fallbacks. He is inconsiderate, loud, and sometimes aggressive. He must be on top. He must not show weakness often.
Having these traits means violating rules of social conduct. It could translate into being seen as obnoxious. It could translate into being insecure because you must be the center of attention. It could be seen as a lack of social intelligence period. This is where having beta traits like being agreeable, cooperative, and sensitive do not seem so bad. Now when we reach beta traits like being submissive and supplicative then it is flat out weak. But perhaps being beta, in moderation, is healthy. On the same token, perhaps being alpha, in moderation, is also healthy.
However, this defies the aforementioned law that you are either alpha or beta. This law is up to different interpretations, although in a social gathering for example one could say the real men stand out from the rest.
The italicized portion leads me to more deliberation. Are these alpha behaviors just evolutionary circuitry which enable us to attract women? Because it is known that women are to alpha males. Or are they just attracted to the status of the male? or the value? Regardless, perhaps these alpha behaviors are just wired in us men as a positive evolutionary trait. However, while living in a today's world, driven by bundles of underlying social norms and expectations, can we really expect to maintain our inner-alpha-ness, all the time?
Perhaps it is ok to be both alpha or beta for the sake of calibrating certain behaviors to certain situations. Isnt a real man someone who knows how to handle himself in all types of situations, where he can be both alpha or beta?
But I thought you are either one, or the other?
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Building Friendships
Some people are just better at building lasting friendships than others. They tend to have certain character traits which really nurture long-term friendships. They are loyalty and sincerity.
Loyalty. Yeah, you may be friends with some one, but if you dont see them regularly and you do not reach out to them to meet up, its almost being unloyal (for lack of a better word). The two of you have already established that you have a connection, so it is only intuitive that you would want to hang out. Oftentimes however, I find that this doesnt happen. This could be a result of being irresponsible or forgetful, but out of the 24 hours of the day, everyday, you would think to eventually remember somebody. People flake though. I have trouble understanding it since as an extravert and all-around-social person, I value someone to talk to highly (as opposed to a keyboard jockey). Because of this, when I find a friend to be unloyal, its almost as if I feel like they dont value our friendship. I know this is untrue, but I cant empathize with flaky behavior because I am not this way.
Sincerity. I was good friends with this one person for about a year. They were one of the nicest guys you would ever meet. Even though our sense of humor and choice of friends were different, it was still very easy to relate. You can never really know someone after only a year, but I was pretty confident they would stick around and continue to be my friend even though we moved a little farther away, and didnt see each other as much.
Incorrect. I reached out to him, he didnt reciprocate. On top of this, he didnt push to meet up when I phoned him. Basically, he either doesnt want to be my friend, or he just doesnt care.
I can live with this... I mean, it was good being friends, but of course there are other cool people. But what I couldnt reconcile was how insincere he was. I mean, if you dont want to be someones friend, you need to send signals one way or another. Now dont get me wrong, I am sociable with many people; its my nature. However, if I dont see someone as being a real friend, and more of just an acquaintance, I'm not going to be overly friendly. For example, if they make a joke that isnt funny, I'm not going to fake laugh. Thats just insincere. Besides, you dont have to give them validation anyways. Moreover, this friend of mine had deceptional habits like these. Yes, it is fine; hes nice. Although it puts a curtain between reality and what you perceive he thinks of you. Its almost as if he was too weak of a person to show disinterest.
So loyalty and sincerity. Although these are crucial character traits for building lasting and legitimate friendships, there are other attributes. However, I think that in a true friendship, everything that goes well stems from the fact that loyalty and sincerity are present. For instance, my best friend has never been a guy to make me hysterical laughing. Our sense of humors overlap enough, but they are clearly different. We even disagree a lot. Although the true glue in our relationship, which has created a strong bond between us for about 10 years now (and we're both only 19), has been the honesty and real-ness of the friendship.
So, the take home message is dont sugar-coat your feelings and put up a front. Having a persona is normal but reveal your true self to people, so they know what they're getting.
Thats all folks.
Loyalty. Yeah, you may be friends with some one, but if you dont see them regularly and you do not reach out to them to meet up, its almost being unloyal (for lack of a better word). The two of you have already established that you have a connection, so it is only intuitive that you would want to hang out. Oftentimes however, I find that this doesnt happen. This could be a result of being irresponsible or forgetful, but out of the 24 hours of the day, everyday, you would think to eventually remember somebody. People flake though. I have trouble understanding it since as an extravert and all-around-social person, I value someone to talk to highly (as opposed to a keyboard jockey). Because of this, when I find a friend to be unloyal, its almost as if I feel like they dont value our friendship. I know this is untrue, but I cant empathize with flaky behavior because I am not this way.
Sincerity. I was good friends with this one person for about a year. They were one of the nicest guys you would ever meet. Even though our sense of humor and choice of friends were different, it was still very easy to relate. You can never really know someone after only a year, but I was pretty confident they would stick around and continue to be my friend even though we moved a little farther away, and didnt see each other as much.
Incorrect. I reached out to him, he didnt reciprocate. On top of this, he didnt push to meet up when I phoned him. Basically, he either doesnt want to be my friend, or he just doesnt care.
I can live with this... I mean, it was good being friends, but of course there are other cool people. But what I couldnt reconcile was how insincere he was. I mean, if you dont want to be someones friend, you need to send signals one way or another. Now dont get me wrong, I am sociable with many people; its my nature. However, if I dont see someone as being a real friend, and more of just an acquaintance, I'm not going to be overly friendly. For example, if they make a joke that isnt funny, I'm not going to fake laugh. Thats just insincere. Besides, you dont have to give them validation anyways. Moreover, this friend of mine had deceptional habits like these. Yes, it is fine; hes nice. Although it puts a curtain between reality and what you perceive he thinks of you. Its almost as if he was too weak of a person to show disinterest.
So loyalty and sincerity. Although these are crucial character traits for building lasting and legitimate friendships, there are other attributes. However, I think that in a true friendship, everything that goes well stems from the fact that loyalty and sincerity are present. For instance, my best friend has never been a guy to make me hysterical laughing. Our sense of humors overlap enough, but they are clearly different. We even disagree a lot. Although the true glue in our relationship, which has created a strong bond between us for about 10 years now (and we're both only 19), has been the honesty and real-ness of the friendship.
So, the take home message is dont sugar-coat your feelings and put up a front. Having a persona is normal but reveal your true self to people, so they know what they're getting.
Thats all folks.
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