I've Realized: College = Change

Throughout my two years in college at Maryland, I have always analyzed my life situation. I am an introspective person so I assessed changes in myself, but also the works of my college life.

However, I would look at life in the present tense, and did not always see the big picture of life. Luckily, several days ago I was running an errand and drove by campus on the way. The holistic view of my life in College Park (party park) presented itself.

In it all, my first realization is that a semester is a long time. Its four months of living in which each day is a series of interactions around the clock. I am a very busy person, so a lot happens in a day. It represents a small epic inside the college eon of life - a semester. When you put days together to form weeks, and weeks together to form months, just one semester becomes one long journey.

This is when I realized I have plenty of college left, despite the fact that I'm halfway done. I have four of these adventures left - not to mention one of these will be abroad. This is so much living and breathing time as an undergrad that there is no reason to worry about my college days being numbered.

That said, I still want to make the most of these coming days. I want to realize my growth and my current place as a collegiate kid, so in the next few years I can the most fully advance - and enjoy, my life.

In order to prepare for the road ahead, lets bring attention into the past.

During the first two months of college I socialized more than I can ever remember. I had to meet and friend as many people as possible. Besides fulfilling the insecurity and desire of wanting to establish a social life, I realized how much I like people. This realization came everyday as college life presented numerous events to socialize, from dances to dorm life to partys to sports to clubs. I remember I took a credible personality test during the opening months of freshman year, and the results showed that I was clearly an extravert. I didnt think this was the case because I have always been so stuck in my mind, with myself, but thats another topic for another day.

As this first streak of socializing ended, a dark experience came upon me. I began to have jaw and neck pain - perhaps due to stress, allergies, acid reflux... but the doctors I saw could not figure it out. Really long story short - it turned out to be severe muscle tightness. The problem with this, is that everytime I would talk, I would think about and feel this pain. From the end of my first semester up until the end of my fourth semester, I found it less fun to socialize - no joke. This sounds like a paradox of sorts because it is just muscle tightness but it tuned down my happiness... every word of this is true. Now that this experience is over, I understand the failures of western medicine. I also understand the link between health and happiness. I also appreciate socializing more, now that I remember a time when it was half as fun. This goes down as a life experience, not related to but experienced in college. Lets put this aside.

As the second semester came, so did a sign that read "Do you want to start a revolution?" This great attention getter was for a new-forming student group named the Campus Climate Challenge. Upon attending this meeting and hearing agenda goals like to push for clean energy on campus, a whole new world of activity, or activism I should say, presented itself. I had taken up an active lifestyle but this student group showed the next dimension of being busy and involved - something I immensely value. In addition, it brought the large problem of the Global Warming into my conscience. About a year later, I declared my major as Environmental Politics and Policy. Two months from now, I am attending a grassroots leadership training.

This second semester brought another chase for new friends since I wanted to keep working on building a social life. However, the attention turned from guys to girls. I began working on my interactions with females, and received feedback from my friends. In the end, I liked two girls that semester and I got both situations on the right track. On top of this, I did something I never had done before. I intentionally played my cards in such a way to get a beautiful girl attracted to me.


And one final note - I attended Mardi Gras at the beginning of this semester with a friend from Tulane. It reinforced how adverted I was to this binge drinking and excessive partying lifestlye - more on this later.

The summer took on a different face as I wasted hours while half-heartedly interning at the FDA. This was my first desk job, and I'm sorry but being a summer camp counselor was uber better. I had been assigned to mostly remedial tasks, which were uninspiring.

After a less than average summer, finally, sophomore year came. I will never forget the first two months of it either. I talked to more girls in those two months than I would say most guys my age talk to in maybe 10 months. Absolutely ridiculous. Going in with wanting to improve my skill with girls, I eclipsed my comfort zone while chasing the dream. I constantly chatted up girls, often getting validated when they would laugh at a joke or otherwise smile. It introduced a new reality of living with and interacting with girls that I never had imagined would come true after frustrating high school days. And even though I ended the semester messing up makeouts and still getting blown out, I had improved so much.

In stead of continuing this past, I want to jump to conclusions. This stream of consciousness has led me to where I want to go.

And now to the conclusions, or the most important bit after this never-ending post.

I realized that college = change.

Semester to semester, and even month to month, my friends change. We go through stages, I lose touch with someone, or I do not have time to reach out.

My girl situation is constantly in flux, with one flaking and the other biting. My ability to talk to girls in a confident way, and ultimately take it home, is constantly improving, leaving me out of my comfort zone more and more.

My hobbies are changing. I blasted off my second semester with environmentalism, but by the end of my fourth semester, I got into meditation and spiritual enlightenment.

My work and play habits in school bounce from diligence to barely diligent.


My unstable shoulder is now repaired, and ready for athletic action.

My muscle tightness disappeared, and I live in a happier reality as a result.

I now work at the FDA for a second time, but actually enjoy being held responsible and being professional for 8 hours every weekday, despite much mindless work.


In it all, I have grow into a more confident and sociable person while I am proud of the joy I have derived from this collegiate life. This leads me to obvious conclusions, like live for the moment, dont take anything too seriously, and sometimes, just relax. In it all though, I need more experiences because these jump start growth. If these experiences are out of my comfort zone, they are usually more beneficial.

And experience means change - something I'm going to have to get used to in this life. The short and sweet craziness of college life is a microcosm for the long but awesome craziness of real world life.

Maturity

I am 19 years old right now and I am turning 20 in less than two months. Between getting my studies done, getting a good amount of sleep and exercise, and having intellectual conversations everyday, I feel that I am ready to move on to a new phase in my life.

Yes, the 20's will be upon me soon. However, the act of turning 20 this June 15th offers no actual life changes. Then, two months later, I'll make my epic 30 minute drive back to College Park, or hedonism-ville for four nights of drinking before classes start again.

In other words, I am a 19-year-old sophomore and I feel like I have outgrown college. There are several things I still love to do, like go out, play guitar, and be irresponsible. On the other hand, I dont go out and drink at parties, I'm over the prospect of skipping classes to sleep in, and I dont make stupid short-lived and artificial friendships. I feel ready to take on some real responsibility and take a 9-5 job, settle into an apartment with some friends, and find a legit girlfriend.

At the same time, the post-college life is apparently supposed to be a buzzkill following the previous four years of hedonism. It means you have to pay income taxes, the rent, the electricity bill, work at least 40 hours a week, and make an effort to see family. For this reason, I suppose college is good so you can explore and discover, and have fun.

I guess after writing this I realize that I'm tyring to say I've had a fulfilling childhood and great parents to bring me up, so I'm fuckin ready for the world man. I mean, I'm probably not, but I'm ready to take it on full force in stead of being locked up in this cute bubble where I'm encouraged to wear Abercrombie and talk to hit drunk girls at the bar on Fri nite.

Because I find myself saying this, I almost want to be inmature, but theres no turning back now.

Shit, I'm Sexist

So I went on this awesome 4-mile walk/run with a friend on this secluded trail which wraps around a gorgeous man-made lake. Too bad thats not what this post is about.

Its about how marked our society is with gender stereotypes, and as a result, I am a sexist. Lets get to it.

On this walk/run escapade, my friend and I chatted it up. Somewhere along the conversation I brought up this insight I had made during the previous week. The insight was that I thought I discovered a defining strength of women. In short, the insight noted that women are good at listening and direct communication.

As I began describing the instance which led me to these beliefs, my friend, who is a self-proclaimed feminist, was viciously shaking her head and frowning. I didn't even bother to finish explaining because she was clearly offended. Moments later, upon her explanation, I realized everything of what I just had said was really just based on gender stereotypes.

Yeah, the stereotypes that say women are better nurturers and listeners and men are better providers, teachers, and disciplinarians. Now its not like I think that women should be a house-wife, and a house-wife only, but I realized that I am still a sexist.

I think my sexist tendencies come from societies desire to distinguish between men and women, and as a result, we get these ideas that women like to sit and talk with each other, whereas men want to play sports or video games.

This isnt true. Maybe, just maybe, in general these things are true - but to classify men and women this way is making a big mistake. I mean, I am a good listener - I am good with kids - and I could be quite sensitive... so does that make me a women? I realize that these things are just traits or characteristics of human beings, which either sex could have.

The take home message is to take a second and think about what is true about women/men, and what is just a stereotype. As a sophomore college student at a solid university and coming from a place with plenty of diversity, I would think I would know better. But these roles and ideas are so ingrained in our society that sometimes it is hard to recognize what is truth and what is bullshit. So its productive to make these distinctions - that is, making them right.

Besides, I love a women who is assertive. But I thought that only guys were assertive?

Ego vs. Self-Esteem

Awesome! I just made the winning shot in the final seconds to win my recreational basketball game. If pandemonium had a sound, then I could hear it from the hysterical parents on the bench and my teammates at the front-court all screaming positive feedback my way like "great job!", "yeah Ken!", and "you're the bomb!"

After these sensational seconds, I walk away from this experience with a flow of internal happiness. Surely over the next few days or even hours, this euphoric feeling will fade. Although in the long-term, will making the most crucial shot of the game truly do anything for me? Will my ego fly sky-high because I was the one to seal the deal? Or, did I just experience a boost in self-confidence and in self-esteem? Where do we draw the line between these two categories - how do we distinguish between a short-lived ego boost and a true rising in self-esteem?... knowing that raising your self-esteem beats pumping your ego any day.

This is a question I have internally debated ever since discovering the difference between these two things recently. It is a vital question to answer given that raising self-esteem is taking a step towards self-actualization and long-lived happiness. As for those ego boosts... lets try to set them aside.

Any thoughts on how to truly raise self-esteem? Well I hear that self-destruction = self-improvement because you are destroying your ego, but just how can we achieve this?

Teenage Angst

Ever since I was 13, or the beginning of my teen-age, I have encountered a cycle of emotions similar to anxiety, fear, and anger. Perhaps this is just one the 100000 emotional circuits wired into my brain that I will experience throughout my life. However, I think that we experience these emotions the most during the teen age.

Whether it is the hormones raging, the social pressure bearing down, or the expectations rising, my teenage years have always brought out angst in me. I have experienced emotional down times because of girl situations, friendships, sports teams, school work, and family relationships.

Looking back at this list, I would think these are the better things in life. Although all they have done is leave me with even more stress. Now perhaps by living like an adult and dealing with mature problems render growing pains... I had to learn how to be emotionally intelligent, manage my time, and not to give in to peer pressure. However, I think that there is something more to this.

Our society does not provide an appropriate structure for teenagers to live in. After leaving middle school, wired with hormones and drives, we have to enter a four year period filled with tremendous expectations of getting into college and constantly fighting social pressure. Now there is nothing wrong with living with your parents and going through high school; these are institutions established for the sole purpose of educating us about the real world and life. On the same token, it becomes bothersome to go through these motions in the eyes of the teenager. I think that as young and passionate growing individuals, us teenagers should have true freedom to get out and do what we want.

Thats right, college days come too late. College comes at a time when we are ready to start truly maturing and stabilizing ourselves. In stead, the late coming of college serves as a digression from true maturation. We may be civil and intellectual in the day, but at night we come back from the bars wasted. We eat scrupulously unhealthy food. We burn money on totally unneccesary objects or excursions.

Yeah, these things are good outlets to blow off steam and be a free spirit, but weekend to weekend we begin beating a dead horse. How many times does it take to get black out drunk and throw up before we drink in moderation? How often can we be wild adults and get away with it? I feel like the free college life conditions us to be irresponsible while we are supposed to learn the ways of the world. Counter-productive.

But I digressed. Perhaps my true angst is derived from my understanding of the imperfect social structure for the young person. Yeah. The conclusion: suck it up. Getting drunk, chasing hot girls, spending freely, and waking up at 11 cant be so bad after all. Like any other emotion, my angst will come and go, but I guess in the end its just a part of growing up... yeah, even at 19.

Validation: How Much Do We Need?

Validation is something we feel we need. It gives us feedback on our actions and a sense of belongingness. As little kids, it is something we are always looking for from elders, or role models. However, 10 years down the line, when we become old teenagers and young adults, do we really need validation?

Seeking validation from friends after telling a joke is something we naturally do; we wait and see for their responses. Although by always looking and needing that affirmation that its funny, we show insecurity. By getting into this habit of waiting for a response, we train ourselves to be relient upon other's approval. Also, by asking for feedback excessively we begin to stop critically thinking for ourselves: is this an appropriate thing to wear today? Should I invite him to the party? Now asking for feedback or advice is okay, but we must still hold our beliefs.

So seeking validation is bad? Well everyone does it: most of us are validation seekers. But its not in the wrong, and a lot of the time you cant control it. However, I think its important to train ourselves to not care. This ties back into the great cliche to be who you are, and not care what others think. In this context, it is ego gratification to seek validation. We want to re-assure ourself that what we have said or done is okay.

On this token, lets examine a case in point to see if it is ego gratification:
a beautiful women is standing at the bar of a busy club on a Friday night. Hmmm, she'll be hit on... constantly. She may choose to invest more time talking to one guy who approaches her, although shes going to shoot most down. After all, she cant have 1000 boyfriends. Now despite the fact she rejected these 1000 guys, it does not mean its a bad night for her. Everytime a guy came over and at least tried to hit on her, she got validated for her great looks. She goes home self-confident.

However, at what point does this self-confidence boost turn into a temporary ego-boost? Is the beautiful girl beginning to rely upon validation to be confident, or is she truly intrinsically self-confident? These are the vital questions we must ask ourselves.

I have found that I derive too much confidence from the good responses I will evoke from girls when flirting for example. This habit needs to be changed. It is time we start worrying about ourselves based on our own perspective, and not what other think or how others respond. Its time to give ourselves validation, in stead of seeking it from others. We will only become more confident and secure people by doing this.

A Waning Learning Experience

I entered college with the optimism to broaden my horizons in and out of the classroom. Although now, by my fourth semester at the University of Maryland, I feel that my academic and personal experience has begun to stagnate, and even become futile.

Granted I am in an bad mood, academia just is not as inspiring and interesting as it seemed in that first Geology lecture freshman year.

Part of this waning in my spirit to learn has come from my years and years of schooling. At some point, we just flat out get bored: except for those who we eventually call professors. Going through the same system of classes, homework, tests, in more or less the same format becomes awfully mundane and unstimulating.

In addition, the subject materials have seemed to be exhausted from getting the same lectures over the years. On the same token, how are we supposed to major, or take years of related classes without eventually getting bored?

Do not get me wrong, I have been the so-called "over-acheiver" most of my life. Although at some point, doing the same thing over and over again seems to make all the effort futile.

Futile? Yeah. Education these days can be stimulating in a discussion, in a group project, or even in writing an essay. However, so much of our country's academic system makes you memorize or recite information that is spoon-fed to you verbatim. We barely have time to critically think or read and actually advance our intelligence, because we are too busy plowing through all this bullshit.

That is why out of the classroom learning experiences are great. They take you out of the classroom bubble and give you all the stimulation and information to come to conclusions on your own, in stead of having some well-read 60 year old spit information from a textbook your way. Field trips, plays, forums, outside lectures, and youth group meetings/activism are the real ways to learn as far as I am concerned. Besides, these are the types of activities that you engage in in a work environment anyways.

So re-assess your education, and what it means. For me, I am academically lost in trying to choose a major, even though I have comprehensively identified my interests and switched my major twice already. Also, my over-acheiving attribute is waning since I now have the intellect to realize I could be getting more from reading a book or writing an assigned essay. Work is work, but perhaps our educational system should push us to do more creative writing, read books we're actually interested in, and maybe even make our own tests.

At this point in time, I have 4.5 semesters left to go before I enter the proverbial "real world", and I sure as hell am not wasting the time going through the same mundane and unstimulating motions time and time again. Some way, I need to revamp my learning spirit and focus on what will really teach me about life and myself, as opposed to Pearson Education or some burnt out professor.